Je T'aime, Rosiel!
by Mad Boy Poet
Summary: What happens when Rosiel mistakes a love potion for perfume? Now the entirety of Heaven, Earth, and Hell are after the Angel Lord! But who will win the battle for the seraph's heart? And whose love will send Rosiel fleeing? And...Arachne?
1. Lolita Complex

_Hmm…'Philtre' is it? _Rosiel applied the sweet perfume to his naked neck, inhaling the sugary scent with glee. He repeated the name on the lust-red bottle; _Philtre - never heard of it_. It had been sent to him by an admirer, he imagined, but there was no address, name or note attached to the gift.

There was not much concern over this, although something about the present allured him and, had there been anyone to reply to, he may have just returned the kind gesture.

His adorable little boy, Katan, was sleeping in the lounge - supposedly, or was meant to be, receiving some sort of lesson from the High Angel - but it was a widely known fact that Rosiel doted on the candidate. Maybe he should go wake him? Or perhaps he should use the cutie's slumber to his advantage…?

_How improper_, _Rosiel, _he thought to himself while he made his way through his chambers, twirling in front of every mirror that caught his handsome reflection.

"You're really into leather nowadays aren't you?"

"Excuse me!?" Rosiel yelled, incredulous. He spun around to face a rather gorgeous woman, dark-skinned and silky-haired. But this was nothing to distract him, considering how enamoured he was with his own reflection. "And just who are _you_ to comment on my clothing?" (And how did you get in here?)

"I am Arachne - your new matchmaker." Huh! So that's why the name was familiar…A demon was it? Rosiel suspected a fishy smell… "And I'm going to find your dream man!"

"My dream man, you say?" Interested now, the seraph tried to conceal a smirk. "What makes you think that I'd desire a male?" Arachne flicked her hair over her shoulders, as if to brush away the comment.

"Any other guy prettier than me just can't be straight." She stepped forward, running a hand down Rosiel's chest. "Luckily for you, I prefer the rugged type." _Buh, rugged type! Who on Heaven and Earth could resist me?! Oh yeah, Gehenna must not have_ _**real** men._

"Well, in actual fact, I enjoy the best of b---" Rosiel's wry smile transformed into disbelief. "…'other guy'…you're a man!?"

"Like you're in any position to criticize…You aren't exactly oozing masculinity. At least I choose to look this way," he/she countered, readjusting a faux breast with a cheeky grin.

"_Careful_ - you might puncture that thing with those claws of yours." Rosiel observed - somewhat maliciously - as he pulled on the shiny black gloves. "And I should like to know who hired you."


	2. Beep

Arachne was urgently pushing the Inorganic Angel through the living room. Rosiel's eyes clicked onto the sleeping angel - bodily only thirteen years, with decades of wisdom - as he was forced past him.

"But-But what about Katan!?" he hissed, not wanting to wake him, but hoping for a quick escape after the demon's bossiness became apparent. Arachne made a disgusted face.

"You're not into loli-shota, are you?" _Erm…yes, no, maybe….I don't know! Just leave me alone, crazy woman! Man! Whatever!_

"Don't be ridiculous! Ha-ha-ha!" Rosiel's laugh sounded half-mad as he was dragged by his silky ponytail outside. "**Katan! Save me!**"

* * *

The evil made a sharp right turn, and marched them through another corridor. The demonic transvestite and the effeminate Supreme Ruler were getting odd looks as they passed by.

"In here," Arachne said quietly, shoving the High Angel into what appeared to be a store cupboard. _Click_. A dim, flickering light bulb was swinging above Rosiel's head. The room smelled funny…musty…_Eww - I know what this has been used for!_

"Let me out of here! I can't stay here - it's the _sex closet!_" Rosiel shook his head firmly, clenching his eyes together to squeeze out the filthy, grotesque images that were appearing in his head…_Dobiel in a thong - so wrong, but so right…On second thought, that is just sickening._ "You don't understand, _Arachnoo_!" he insisted, trying in vain to ram the demon aside. "Almost everyone in Heaven has done it in the Janitor's Room!"

"It's _Arachne._"

"A Back Play?"

"No."

"A Duck Day?"

"No."

"An EJAC-U-LA-TION?"

"Yes."

"Hooray!" Silence. A deadly pause - and then, Arachne wasted no time in the seraph's distraction to quickly rid him of his tight, tight, really extra-tight clothing. At first, he was shocked. He stood open-mouthed (not the safest idea, from where he's standing) staring at the thing in awe.

"You know, _Lord_ Rosiel," he mocked, "For a little guy…you have a really massive _beep._" The pretty angel looked on the verge of tears, huge doe-like eyes watering under the dark, curling lashes.

"W-What's wrong with…with my _beep_?" The High Angel sniffled, rubbing his eyes in an infantile gesture. Arachne couldn't resist that adorable face!

"No, no nothing! Nothing at all. It was a compliment, I'm really impressed."

"Really?" The demon nodded profusely.

"Yeah, sure. I mean, it is like…whoa! Huge. Gigantic. Bigger than Raphael's - though he'll say otherwise." (I've seen a lot of _beeps_.) "So don't get upset, okay?"

Suddenly, Rosiel exploded in laughter, hands on hips - pretty much like a maniac; head thrown back, wild hair floating - yes, floating - about him.

"I am not _upset_! I just wanted you to ackowledge my superiority even in _this_ aspect! Ha-ha! And as for Raphael, he could _beep _a mouse and it wouldn't _beeping_ notice!" Arachne, quite ashamed, was already, but slowly, heading for the door. _Jeez, I just wanted to take your measurements…_

"Yeah, whatever. See you, Rosie-kins."

"No! Wait, come back! I'll let you touch it!" Rosiel burst through the door, and began running after the demon at high speed. In fact, everything was moving at high speed - _beep_ and all. Although nowadays Heaven did get many random, anonymous streakers, no one could mistake Rosiel sprinting past them. "I'm sorry! Come on, find me a man! I've heard Uriel's free!"

The Inorganic Angel - naked - was too busy to notice the crowd that was following close behind his unclothed glory.

_**Let the magic of the Philtre begin…**_


	3. Hunky Honk

"Uriel, baby…you're one big hunk of a man. Such strong arms! Ooh, I would so love if you…if you…" The High Angel Rosiel felt a bead of sweat form on his perfect face, as it twisted uncomfortably - growing red at a phenomenal rate.

Turning his face sharply away from the Black Angel, Rosiel eyed the suspicious breast protruding from the potted shrub. "Psst, you there! What do I do?"  
Arachne's voice came as a fierce reply from the verdant bush.

"Say the lines! I wrote that material for you, the stuff is gold!" he hissed.

He turned back. "I wish you could carry me into your room, and lay me on your bed…" Rosiel continued, monotone.

The Inorganic Angel straightened his dark military uniform. "…rub me...herbal oil..." Arachne said that Uriel would dig him in a costume like this, but he did not look impressed. The taller angel loosened the collar of his dark robe nervously, and looked over his shoulder in a preoccupied manner that made Rosiel irate. _Is he…is he ignoring _me?

"That's it! I cannot take this insolence anymore! Did you know that offending one of such a high rank as I could mean your life?! And still, I do not arouse you! Even in my sexy clothes! Woe is me!!!"

"Wait! Lord Rosiel, forgive me! I did not mean to…to…" Uriel's eyes suddenly became heavy; a musky, yet sweet scent drifted just below his nostrils. It entered him and seemed to seize control of every function, every emotion, and caress them into work. He saw Rosiel undress his slight form, and watched with lust as his silver hair stroked the naked flesh… how his pink lips looked so ripe…

Not really, of course. But his mind was in a sort of frenzy. He wanted the High Angel - he wanted him now.

Without really thinking, Uriel stretched out a brown, beautiful hand and grabbed the bum of the Supreme Angel who was walking away. _Honk_. Honk? It didn't really make that noise - did it?  
Swiftly, Rosiel spun around, his angelic face incredulous. Arachne stood immediately, curious and amused. Uriel did not at first realise that his hand was still parked on the seraph's rear. Then he did. He removed it hastily.

"Did. You. Just. Honk. Me?" Each word was as a threat; Arachne giggled in the background.

"Erm…I…I don't know what…I, er…" Uriel blushed profusely, the tingling in his groin becoming ever-hotter. Shush, don't say such crude things….Anyway, despite his panic at his own actions, the Angel of Death was now taking eager steps towards Rosiel. Faster. Faster. And faster still. And Rosiel began to back away at the same pace, alarmed.

_Is he a mad man?! What is he trying to…?_

But Rosiel's answer came easily; Uriel's smile - large and lewd - betrayed all his lustful urgencies, and he pawed at the hem of his robe, as if trying to remove it. The quick walk transformed into a run, and suddenly Rosiel was being chased.

"Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby! Slow down honey, and I'll carry you just like you want--"

"Shut up! Shut up Uriel! Damn you, Arachne. Where are you?!" The Supreme Angel hollered, not daring to stop for a second. He couldn't fly indoors could he? It would be so much faster: Uriel had longer legs…. _What is that vrooming?_

That 'vrooming' was Arachne. Arachne was on a moped. He drove up right along side the seraph, chuckling all the way as his PVC miniskirt drifted up to his stomach. How indecent.

"Don't worry, handsome" he laughed, "I'll get you out of here."

* * *

It's been a while since I updated this...Hmm, and there was little humour to be found, malheureusement. I felt so...deflated. If I really don't like this chapter, I may delete it. But it's really more of a little push for my thin plot so that I can get onto the good stuff XD See you! x 


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